MONTREAL, QC — Baseball fans exploded in excitement after archduke Coderre revealed he will be demolishing McGill’s downtown campus to make room for a much more respectable institution: the Montreal Expos.
McGill University, probably the city’s fourth- or fifth-best university, was founded in 1821 by the royal decree of King George IV. Counted among its alumni are 12 Nobel laureates, 140 Rhodes Scholars, three astronauts, three prime ministers, and not a single professional baseball player in the whole damn lot.
“Bout de viarge! Des ostie de tête carrée! How many obnoxious poli sci majors does our city really need?”
McGill principal Suzanne Fortier asked her students to find a silver lining in the situation. Unfortunately, silver linings are hard to come by in Laval, where McGill’s replacement campus will be built.
In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through Montreal’s journalism community, MTL Blog has been outed as the twisted masterwork of a single non-sentient being.
“It’s a robot,” announced police commissioner Marc Laframboise at a press conference earlier this morning. The SPVM began investigating MTL Blog after neighbours complained of strange noises coming from their office late at night.
“Since its inception, MTL Blog has continually set the bar for journalistic excellence in this city. Whether for their hard-hitting investigative journalism, their strong editorial voice, or the work they’ve done for charitable causes, MTL Blog has stood out as the example par excellence of what journalism should be,” explained CBC Montreal’s Kate McQueen.
“All I can say is that I am extremely relieved that it was a robot behind it this entire time, and not an actual human being.”
“It was just an unfair comparison,” explained Ricochet Media’s Ian Deepier. “MTL Blog was prolific. It was prodigious. It’s like trying to compete with the New York Times. You just can’t do it.”
In addition to being impressed by the robot’s legendary output, Deepier was also impressed by how well the robot could market its articles.
“Have you seen the likes they get on social media? If it wasn’t a publication as reputable as MTL Blog, I’d suggest they were buying all of those Facebook and Instagram likes from sketchy vendors on the internet.”
After entering MTL Blog’s tiny office on St. Laurent Street, police investigators found smoke pouring out of the six-foot-tall robot. Its display panel read “Error 36: No More Lists Available.”
Shortly after the press conference, #MTLBlogBot became a trending topic on Twitter.
“I’ve been trying to get a job writing at MTL Blog for five years now,” explained 2011 Concordia Journalism graduate Derek Wong. “Now that I know they only employ robots… I feel like I’ve gotten some closure.”
It wasn’t just Anglophone media who reacted to today’s revelation with sadness. Montreal’s Francophone media were just as wistful:
“Narcity, man… that was a good blog,” remarked Urbania’s Tomas Bonaparte. “What I’m most impressed is that in MTL BlogBot’s four short years, it was not only able to publish thirty thousand listicles about Montreal—but it was able to learn French, too.”
Narcity, of course, was MTL Blog’s attempt to break into the French market. Although the French publication was nowhere near as successful as MTL Blog itself, French Montrealers still appreciated the effort.
Now, as both French and English Montrealers come to terms with the fact their favourite blog was written by a robot, it’s important to look back and ask ourselves: what will we miss most about MTL Blog?
“Definitely the lists,” answered a staff writer for Cult Montreal who asked to remain anonymous. “Best burger spots. Best washrooms. Best places to do your laundry. It was the best of the best, as far as I am concerned. And I am concerned. Where will I now go to get fresh original content about my city?”
Eater Montreal’s Ian Harrison voiced similar concerns: “Without MTL Blog, how am I supposed to systematically rank Montreal establishments in order of susceptibility to bribe requests?”
Montreal restaurant owners felt Mr. Harrison’s pain,
“I’ll definitely miss getting all of MTL Blog’s emails. They were so well-written. I didn’t think I’d ever enjoy being asked to pay $800 to appear in the 6th spot of a listicle. But I did.”
Such were the words of Louis Di Lallo, who runs the Di Lallo family burger shop in Saint-Henri.
“You wouldn’t believe the foot traffic an appearance in MTL Blog could generate for my restaurant,” explained Di Lallo.
“The number of mindless plebeians in this city desperate to try the restaurant recommendations of a robot who can’t even eat… it truly is astonishing.”
A funeral will be held for MTL BlogBot tomorrow night at Apartment 200. The eulogy will feature sponsored content from Maisonneuve Magazine and Metatron Press. In lieu of flowers please just go and like our page on Facebook.
After waking up in his 4 1/2 condo in Point-Saint-Charles this morning, Brett Sampson was shocked to discover that he had accidentally gentrified his entire neighbourhood.
Sampson, who tells his friends that he is a visual artist, recently bought the condo with help from his affluent parents. He is originally from Forest Hill, Toronto.
“I have no idea how this happened,” explained a visibly apologetic Sampson over a $16.99 breakfast of eggs and toast in Saint-Henri.
“To be honest, Saint-Henri was a little too above-the-radar for me. I have a bunch of friends there, but it’s become a little too gentrified for my liking. I thought I would be safe from gentrification in Point-Saint-Charles. Apparently not.”
Rumours of a rent increase were further exacerbated when a Point-Saint-Charles local spotted Arcade Fire frontman Win Butler driving through the neighbourhood.
“We got lost on our way to Joe Beef,” explained Butler. “This is a huge misunderstanding.”
“I have no intention of ever coming here again and am profusely sorry for the skyrocketing property values my visit has incited.”
However, not all Point-Saint-Charles commentators were as remorseful.
A well-groomed Abraham Gentristopholous took the news in good cheer, saying that “property values are in line with the demands of the market” and that recent real estate trends have made it “inevitable” that previously run-down neighbourhoods will attract more well-to-do clientele.
“Sure, I’ll concede that it’s nice to have diversity in a neighbourhood. And right now, there’s plenty of socioeconomic diversity in Point-Saint-Charles,” explained Gentristopholous.
“But gentrification just brings a different type of diversity. A diversity of artisanal brunch spots and bakeries. Have you seen the Yelp ratings for places around here? It’s embarrassing.”
“We could be doing so much better. If gentrification is what it takes, I’m all for it.”
A shamefaced Sampson stood smoking a cigarette outside our restaurant, at 2pm on a Monday. “I just hope you’re not all disappointed in me.”
A representative from the Point-Saint-Charles housing committee was available to comment, but in all honesty we could not understand what he was saying.
DJ Windows 98 is playing a gentrification fundraiser at Cafe Bloom this Thursday. Get your tickets here.
There is no celebration more glamorous, extravagant, and recklessly self-indulgent than the gilded age carnival of horrors we call “Nuit Blanche”. To ring in the night, we’ve come prepared with tidings—an expertly curated list of the most anticipated Nuit Blanche activities. Read on,
1. Eating a sandwich
Montreal hipsters agree that eating a sandwich is 2015’s hottest trend. Last year’s proto-sandwich renaissance saw the emergence of some promising bread-based innovations, like marinated beef baguettes and pork-belly-and-hoisin-sauce donuts.
However, 2015 is shooting for something “much more minimal,” according to one food critic.
A grilled cheese, or even just a plain cheese sandwich. That’s what the Plateau kids are striving for. Something unornamented, effortless, yet refined—you know, like Apple. But edible.
Our event correspondents agree that eating a sandwich has a 73% probability of being better than Nuit Blanche.
2. Painting your walls
Most young Montrealers are too impoverished to own homes, and most are also too impoverished to spend $20 drinks at some shitty bar over the course of Nuit Blanche. That’s why instead of going out, many young Montrealers are opting to paint their apartments this Saturday.
“Painting is my preferred mode of self-expression,” explained one Mile End artist. “However, my landlord said painting my apartment would violate the terms of my lease.”
Never ones to heed authority, Montreal’s brush-laden youth are plotting a rebellion.
We’re gonna paint our apartments anyways. The walls… the ceiling… everything. But we’re not gonna use colours, no. Just white. Our landlords won’t even know. It’s genius.
Our event correspondents agree that blanching your apartment has a 57% probability of being better than Nuit Blanche itself.
3. Swiping right on every single Tinder profile in Montreal
Many lovelorn Montrealers are expected to head out Saturday night in a futile effort to score some numbers.
But Montreal’s enlightened gentry are instead staying at home—opting to spend the night swiping right on every single Tinder profile in the city.
“It’s more convenient, it’s warmer, and—perhaps most importantly—you can spare yourself the humiliation of getting told you’re a drunken creep,”explained PulpMTL party correspondent Derek “The D” Derkenheimer.
Added another eligible bachelorette:
Wake up Montreal. It’s 2015. You should know by now: nobody meets their future husband waiting in the cold for a Ferris wheel while on MDMA. In the real world, you meet your husband at a 5-à-7 two weeks later, after matching with them on Tinder—while on MDMA.
Our event correspondents agree that taking a trip to Yes Town has a 69% probability of being better than Nuit Blanche.
4. Searching for a roommate replacement
While many ostensibly happy roommates are preparing to go to Nuit Blanche together, some Montrealers have other ideas.
I told my roommate Rebecca that while I would have totally loved to go to Nuit Blanche with her, I had to stay in and study. But really, I’m just going to spend the night on Craigslist looking for someone to replace her once our lease is up. I’ve already gotten a few promising leads. Like this girl from Iceland studying Gender Studies at McGill… we added each other on Facebook. She seems really cool. Way cooler than Rebecca—that backstabbing bitch.
Our event correspondents agree that 93% of roommates will be totally blindsided by the eviction plot their roommate came up with on Nuit Blanche.
5. Getting hammered and emailing your professors
While most Montrealers choose salacious Snapchats as their preferred vehicle of drunken regret, some burgeoning alcoholics are trying their hand at long-form content.
Yo professor Fraticelli,
Just wanted to thank you for your wanton mercilessness last semester.
Despite the myriad pleas to re-evaluate my essay “Juggalos: Bellweathers of a Plural Society?”, you didn’t answer my emails, tweets, or Yo! alerts.
When I was finally able to reach you—at Gerts while we were both wasted—you assured me that you would “look into it”.
Well, you never did, and as it so happens, that B- has ruined my life. No law schools will accept me now. Not even uManitoba.
I hate your moustache and your faux-Cambridge accent. I hope you develop gluten sensitivity. And alopecia.
Our event correspondents agree that telling your professors what you really think has an 84% probability of being better than Nuit Blanche.