There is no celebration more glamorous, extravagant, and recklessly self-indulgent than the gilded age carnival of horrors we call “Nuit Blanche”. To ring in the night, we’ve come prepared with tidings—an expertly curated list of the most anticipated Nuit Blanche activities. Read on,
1. Eating a sandwich
Montreal hipsters agree that eating a sandwich is 2015’s hottest trend. Last year’s proto-sandwich renaissance saw the emergence of some promising bread-based innovations, like marinated beef baguettes and pork-belly-and-hoisin-sauce donuts.
However, 2015 is shooting for something “much more minimal,” according to one food critic.
A grilled cheese, or even just a plain cheese sandwich. That’s what the Plateau kids are striving for. Something unornamented, effortless, yet refined—you know, like Apple. But edible.
Our event correspondents agree that eating a sandwich has a 73% probability of being better than Nuit Blanche.
2. Painting your walls
Most young Montrealers are too impoverished to own homes, and most are also too impoverished to spend $20 drinks at some shitty bar over the course of Nuit Blanche. That’s why instead of going out, many young Montrealers are opting to paint their apartments this Saturday.
“Painting is my preferred mode of self-expression,” explained one Mile End artist. “However, my landlord said painting my apartment would violate the terms of my lease.”
Never ones to heed authority, Montreal’s brush-laden youth are plotting a rebellion.
We’re gonna paint our apartments anyways. The walls… the ceiling… everything. But we’re not gonna use colours, no. Just white. Our landlords won’t even know. It’s genius.
Our event correspondents agree that blanching your apartment has a 57% probability of being better than Nuit Blanche itself.
3. Swiping right on every single Tinder profile in Montreal
Many lovelorn Montrealers are expected to head out Saturday night in a futile effort to score some numbers.
But Montreal’s enlightened gentry are instead staying at home—opting to spend the night swiping right on every single Tinder profile in the city.
“It’s more convenient, it’s warmer, and—perhaps most importantly—you can spare yourself the humiliation of getting told you’re a drunken creep,” explained PulpMTL party correspondent Derek “The D” Derkenheimer.
Added another eligible bachelorette:
Wake up Montreal. It’s 2015. You should know by now: nobody meets their future husband waiting in the cold for a Ferris wheel while on MDMA. In the real world, you meet your husband at a 5-à-7 two weeks later, after matching with them on Tinder—while on MDMA.
Our event correspondents agree that taking a trip to Yes Town has a 69% probability of being better than Nuit Blanche.
4. Searching for a roommate replacement
While many ostensibly happy roommates are preparing to go to Nuit Blanche together, some Montrealers have other ideas.
I told my roommate Rebecca that while I would have totally loved to go to Nuit Blanche with her, I had to stay in and study. But really, I’m just going to spend the night on Craigslist looking for someone to replace her once our lease is up. I’ve already gotten a few promising leads. Like this girl from Iceland studying Gender Studies at McGill… we added each other on Facebook. She seems really cool. Way cooler than Rebecca—that backstabbing bitch.
Our event correspondents agree that 93% of roommates will be totally blindsided by the eviction plot their roommate came up with on Nuit Blanche.
5. Getting hammered and emailing your professors
While most Montrealers choose salacious Snapchats as their preferred vehicle of drunken regret, some burgeoning alcoholics are trying their hand at long-form content.
Yo professor Fraticelli,
Just wanted to thank you for your wanton mercilessness last semester.
Despite the myriad pleas to re-evaluate my essay “Juggalos: Bellweathers of a Plural Society?”, you didn’t answer my emails, tweets, or Yo! alerts.
When I was finally able to reach you—at Gerts while we were both wasted—you assured me that you would “look into it”.
Well, you never did, and as it so happens, that B- has ruined my life. No law schools will accept me now. Not even uManitoba.
I hate your moustache and your faux-Cambridge accent. I hope you develop gluten sensitivity. And alopecia.
Our event correspondents agree that telling your professors what you really think has an 84% probability of being better than Nuit Blanche.