After waking up in his 4 1/2 condo in Point-Saint-Charles this morning, Brett Sampson was shocked to discover that he had accidentally gentrified his entire neighbourhood.
Sampson, who tells his friends that he is a visual artist, recently bought the condo with help from his affluent parents. He is originally from Forest Hill, Toronto.
“I have no idea how this happened,” explained a visibly apologetic Sampson over a $16.99 breakfast of eggs and toast in Saint-Henri.
“To be honest, Saint-Henri was a little too above-the-radar for me. I have a bunch of friends there, but it’s become a little too gentrified for my liking. I thought I would be safe from gentrification in Point-Saint-Charles. Apparently not.”
Rumours of a rent increase were further exacerbated when a Point-Saint-Charles local spotted Arcade Fire frontman Win Butler driving through the neighbourhood.
“We got lost on our way to Joe Beef,” explained Butler. “This is a huge misunderstanding.”
“I have no intention of ever coming here again and am profusely sorry for the skyrocketing property values my visit has incited.”
However, not all Point-Saint-Charles commentators were as remorseful.
A well-groomed Abraham Gentristopholous took the news in good cheer, saying that “property values are in line with the demands of the market” and that recent real estate trends have made it “inevitable” that previously run-down neighbourhoods will attract more well-to-do clientele.
“Sure, I’ll concede that it’s nice to have diversity in a neighbourhood. And right now, there’s plenty of socioeconomic diversity in Point-Saint-Charles,” explained Gentristopholous.
“But gentrification just brings a different type of diversity. A diversity of artisanal brunch spots and bakeries. Have you seen the Yelp ratings for places around here? It’s embarrassing.”
“We could be doing so much better. If gentrification is what it takes, I’m all for it.”
A shamefaced Sampson stood smoking a cigarette outside our restaurant, at 2pm on a Monday. “I just hope you’re not all disappointed in me.”
A representative from the Point-Saint-Charles housing committee was available to comment, but in all honesty we could not understand what he was saying.
DJ Windows 98 is playing a gentrification fundraiser at Cafe Bloom this Thursday. Get your tickets here.